


You've Got a Mean Swing, Point Break

by sundancekid



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-22
Updated: 2012-08-22
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundancekid/pseuds/sundancekid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But Thor, Tony thinks -- well, Thor's kind of a dumbass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Got a Mean Swing, Point Break

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [boom_queen](http://boom-queen.livejournal.com), [lokitty11](http://lokitty11.livejournal.com), and [kairos103](http://kairos103.livejournal.com) for betaing!

Steve's actually pretty smart -- not as smart as Tony, of course, but who is? (Well, Bruce, but Bruce is really heavy on theory and weaker on application; he's a scientist, but Tony manages to be a scientist _and_ an engineer, so he's got the advantage there) -- but he's a fine tactician and thinks well on his feet. He's picking up the twenty-first century at a steady clip, too. Once Steve mastered the concept of Googling, he really took off, and now he writes things down in his notebook all day that he plans to look up that night -- Tony tried to teach him how to Google things on his phone, but Steve prefers the bigger screen of his laptop, and he doesn't want to look things up again in front of people anymore, after he heard someone talking about tea baggers on CNN and apparently his Google Images setting wasn't on safe search. (Tony hadn't known you could blush that deeply and not literally die.) 

And Clint and Natasha are both smart -- well, they're both devious, but it takes brains to be any good at being devious, and they are both very very good at it, and Tony respects deviousness. 

But Thor -- well, Thor's kind of a dumbass.

He's nice, sure. But Tony has never been sure why so many people seem to think that's a virtue -- nice doesn't accomplish shit. Thor is chivalrous, or whatever, and while he is a huge burly dude and Tony's glad they're on the same side now, he's not really an asset in the thinking department. He hasn't mastered Googling at all (and he _really_ can't look stuff up on his phone; it's like his hands are hamhocks for all the fine motor skills he possesses), and remains clueless about the planet he's currently choosing to live on. He doesn't have any sense of tact -- and that's not a virtue Tony normally appreciates either, but he likes it when people are tactful with _him_. He keeps calling the Iron Man suit "magic" no matter how many times Tony tells him it's science. It's fucking _science_.

It's fine to have Thor around, he's fun and boisterous and likes to drink as much as Tony does, but they don't really have anything to say to one another. He doesn't even need Tony's help with weaponry, and Tony can't lift Mjolnir himself, which is a huge bummer, because after what happened to his suit the first time they met, Tony really wants to just whack everything in his workshop with the hammer. You know, for science.

\-----

It's a Thursday, and the world didn't need any saving today, and everyone's in New York, and they end up deciding to try and watch a movie. "Try" because they rarely agree on what to watch (though they've had some luck letting JARVIS pick, but you don't become an Avenger because you like letting other people make decisions for you, even minor ones).

Tony suggests they try to finally watch _Star Wars_ , because that's one of the more crucial pieces of cultural understanding Steve needs to pick up. But Darcy taught Steve the concept of spoilers, unfortunately, and he got mad when someone made a joke about Luke and Darth Vader and ruined it for him, and now he's refusing on principle. (Steve Rogers does all kinds of things on principle, and it fucking sucks.)

Tony likes complaining about sci fi movies (seriously, why are they always so bad? He actually got hired as a science expert for a film which he won't name, because they kicked him off four days into filming, something about being drunk and taking a soldering iron to the props -- and the movie sucked. OK, it was totally the _Stargate_ movie -- seriously, so bad! If they'd let him fix the props like he'd wanted to, and taken his script notes into consideration, it would've sucked way less), and he likes classic comedy, for a pretty broad definition of "classic." Bruce likes period drama, because he's a weirdo, and he says he doesn't like watching sci fi just to complain, but please, he totally does. Steve likes movies from before he went under, and clutches his pearls over remakes. Natasha likes a lot of Steve's movies, actually. Clint likes sports movies, almost exclusively, and if he tells you he didn't cry during _Rudy_ he is a _liar_.

The whole movie idea gets abandoned because no one can agree on anything (surprise! The Avengers, ladies and gentlemen), so Thor suggests board games. Board games are actually pretty dangerous -- everyone likes to win, at everything, no matter what. The only thing that keeps it from ending in bloodshed is that each of them has a personal aversion to cheating, because you can't gloat properly over your win if you cheated. (And, more importantly, because you _will_ get caught; everyone is always on the lookout for someone else cheating. And because no one likes the look on Steve's face when you get caught cheating.)

They settle on Ticket to Ride, which is dangerous. Clint flipped the table last time, after Natasha ruined his nearly complete transatlantic line. (Natasha gets really into the idea of being a robber baron.)

Thor's hands are, predictably, too big to put his trains in place without knocking everyone else's over, and he's terrible at keeping count of how many trains he's supposed to have. Bruce ends up doing his math for him, while Steve places his trains on the board. Tony manages to limit his eyerolling.

Natasha kills them, of course. The only person who can give her a run for her money is Pepper, who actually _is_ a robber baron. (Pepper is actually so good at board games she's not really allowed to play anymore -- you can't outbluff her, you can't, it can't be done, and her brain is wired for strategy in a way that Tony finds almost miraculous, and he is part of team of superheroes. She can bide her time and hoard her chips and delay gratification like a _monster_. The last time they played Settlers of Catan, she ended up up with every single sheep on the board. And Monopoly! It might as well be called Pepper's Hotel Domination: The Rent Is Too Damn High.)

After the game is over, Thor claps Tony on the shoulder as everyone heads their separate ways, and says, "Tony! My friend! Thank you for hosting such an enjoyable evening," which, a) Tony's not really hosting if they all _live_ there, seriously, quit thanking me already, b) Thor has _got_ to learn to rein it in there, his friendly pats on the back send Tony flying forward, and c) Thor seriously has no idea Tony thinks he's a moron. Tony kind of can't believe Thor hasn't noticed, but then he can believe it, because seriously, Thor's kind of a moron.

\-----

That night, in bed, Tony's staring at the ceiling and thinking about math, and Pepper's legs, and the legs on that new associate in Legal, and how he can put more powerful jets on the suit while minimizing added weight. The usual. It's really a pretty chill night -- Tony's brain doesn't really stop, exactly, but only thinking about five or six things at once is calm, for him. (Tony drinks because he can fucking afford to lose brain cells. Getting blinding drunk was the only thing that ever came close to making his brain shut the fuck up already, until Iron Man. Being Iron Man doesn't make his brain shut up, exactly, but it tunes out the shit that doesn't matter better than anything else he's tried, and he's tried everything.) Pepper is in LA, has been for three days, so it's just him and the bed and the dark and the quiet and the thinking.

He finally falls asleep about two hours after he gets in bed, which is pretty good, for Tony, who mostly only falls asleep when he's pushed himself to exhaustion over the course of a couple days. Schedules are for little people.

It's nearly five a.m. when his phone starts buzzing with the signal that means it's time to assemble.

"What," he says into the phone, covering his eyes as JARVIS gradually brings the lights up.

"Get your ass on the landing pad in five," Fury says by way of greeting, because that man is all sunshine and puppies. Tony hates him, which is rare -- Tony doesn't usually hate people, because they're not worth his time, but Fury isn't just a bastard, he's a smart bastard. He's worth hating (not that Tony would ever tell him that).

"Of course, dearest," he says, stumbling out of bed.

It's like eight minutes, not five, but Tony isn't going to sacrifice proper dental hygiene for Nick Fury, no sir. 

They're in the Quinjet and on their way before Fury's back on the comm explaining what's what. It's mutants (again), in Central Park (again). 

It's pretty easy, as battles go, and within two hours they're done. The mutant... blob... things are killed, the two-bit mad scientist who engineered them is in cuffs, the EMTs have already left with those who need to go to the hospital, the civilians who didn't need the hospital are almost done giving their statements. Tony's suit is covered in mutant goo, and going a little haywire as a result, so he's not risking flying right now. Steve is, of course, pitching in with the cleanup, and Clint and Natasha are coordinating with SHIELD agents. Bruce is sitting on the ground, drinking water (becoming the Hulk is apparently really dehydrating), while Thor is talking to civilians at the perimeter SHIELD set up.

Tony likes talking to civilians too -- he likes talking to people, in general. So he wanders over. Two women in their twenties are asking Thor about, for God's sake, his workout routine. 

Thor laughs. "I do not have this routine of which you speak! I spar with my teammates regularly, though." And it's true, Thor's musculature seems to be pretty other-worldly. He doesn't eat or train like you'd expect for someone who looks likes he does. What an asshole. (The tabloids are certain he's lying about it -- Thor keeps getting put on all the most eligible bachelor lists, so it comes up a lot when he's interviewed, and Thor loves to do interviews. Clint is on a lot of the lists too, and so is Tony, of course [Steve is too, but he's not really willing to do press for them, and he doesn't like to give interviews out of the costume at all]. Tony is _goddamn tired_ of every interview mentioning that he's the oldest Avenger, which, he's totally not, if you want to get technical about it.)

"What about you, Iron Man?" calls a jackass from behind them. "What kind of workouts do you do? Or does the suit hide the beer gut?"

"Fuck you," Tony says amicably. "The suit weighs a hundred pounds. I don't carry it with a 'beer gut.'" Tony would never stoop to actually making air quotes, but his tone gets his point across.

"A hundred pounds?" one girl calls. "Really? Can I try the helmet on?"

And Tony will let a pretty woman do a lot of things -- a lot of things -- but, "Haha, no, sorry, sweetheart, no one wears the suit but me."

Thor claps him on the back. Tony stumbles forward just a step; the suit helps him keep his balance. "Tony's suit is a most impressive work of art! He is very careful with it."

"If you're so careful with it, why's it covered in mutant jizz?" the asshole asks, and goddamn, did Tony say he likes talking to civilians? That was a damn lie.

"Jizz?" Thor asks, brows furrowing. "What is this 'jizz' of which you speak?" 

Naturally, everyone in the crowd cracks up.

Tony thinks making Thor say "jizz" is pretty great, really, but on principle he has to stand with his teammate, and not heckling assholes, especially not assholes who heckle him.

It must be obvious to Thor that the joke is on him, that people are laughing because he doesn't know what they're talking about, surely he can see that -- but if he minds, Tony can't tell. He doesn't seem angry at all, doesn't seem annoyed. He just seems eager to be in on the joke, sure he'll enjoy it once he gets it.

"Someone pray explain this to me!" he says, grinning, and the woman who wanted to try on Tony's helmet leans up to whisper to him -- whisper, seriously, is this first grade?

Thor's eyes widen and he begins to roar with laughter, harder than anyone else. "I do not think that is the substance, for I doubt those mutants enjoyed meeting us quite that much!"

And now everyone's laughing with him, not at him, and more people are pushing forward to get their pictures taken with Thor, who is waving Mjolnir and flexing his arms in ridiculous poses, and Tony wanders off. Whatever.

\-----

As they troop back to the Quinjet, Fury's voice comes over the comm. "Press conference, noon. Be there."

All six Avengers sigh in unison.

\-----

Tony has been holding press conferences since he was eight. It's not his favorite thing to do, but it's easy. The press expects certain things, and as long as you give it to them, it's fine. He's totally the best of the Avengers at giving press conferences -- though weirdly, his teammates don't seem to agree. Steve is good at staying on message and whatever, but he's so _dull_ , so Captain Aw Shucks, Ma'am about the whole thing. Natasha is good at staying on message too, but she doesn't really hide her annoyance with the press, and Clint won't bother to hide how much he loves fucking with them. Bruce clearly, desperately, wants to be left alone to do science.

(It doesn't help Bruce that everyone does press conferences in uniform except him and Tony, who both just wear suits. But for Tony, Armani basically _is_ a uniform -- he's still suiting up, just in a different way. Bruce doesn't feel that way, even though Tony has bought him several very nice, very expensive suits that frankly make him look pretty damn great. The suits just make him feel like a kid on school picture day, Bruce says. Tony despairs of his taste level.)

Thor loves press conferences, though. Like Tony, he grew up in the spotlight, but unlike Tony, he grew up with a dad who wielded a giant fuck-off hammer, so he doesn't really grok how intrusive it can all be. He thinks of good press as his due. (Tony has wondered, more than once, what the Asgard equivalent of the _New York Times_ looks like, or the Asgardian TMZ.)

So they're doing a press conference about the mutants in Central Park, about their commitment to cleaning up the debris from the fight (and paying to clean up the debris), about their goodwill towards the people of New York City, about their commitment to obeying the laws of New York City and America because they're not "too good" for that, about, whatever, staying in school and not doing drugs.

The first question is for Cap, as it usually is. "Captain America, would you say that this was one of your more difficult fights?"

Tony wouldn't, because these mutants were barely more than giant slugs; they were mean and gross but lazy and stupid. The worst part was the slime. But Cap takes the question seriously, because he takes everything seriously, and says, "Well, no, I wouldn't, though of course any fight is a serious matter, and we always do our best. The Avengers care deeply about the safety of this city, and we take our responsibilities seriously, even when our opponents might seem a bit silly."

He smiles, and Tony swears he can see the sparkle on Cap's teeth.

There are more questions, the usual stuff -- how's Tony's suit holding up; was that a new kind of arrow Hawkeye was using; what do the Avengers have to say about the cost estimates on repairing the damage; do the Avengers think this bad guy has ties to any other bad guys; what kind of monitoring does SHIELD have in place so it doesn't get as far as mutants in Central Park next time; when will Director Fury participate in one of these press conferences (the Tuesday after never, for real -- not that Tony wouldn't pay good money to see these J-school suckers scared _out of their damn minds_ by Fury); how does it feel to be the only woman on the team, Widow (the same as it feels every time I'm asked, she says, with a smile that quite purposely doesn't reach her eyes).

It's winding down after about 20 minutes, and was, all things considered, a pretty mild press conference, when the question comes.

"Hulk," someone shouts from the back, and Tony can see, out of the corner of his eye, Bruce wincing, because seriously, "Hulk, how's it going with the attempts to be less destructive? Agent Hill told us you were developing a program to harness your strength, but it seems like that's totally failed. You ruined a lot of mature trees, many of which held birds' nests, including at least one Red-tailed Hawk nest. And you picked up two food carts and hurled them, one of which landed on its owner and broke his leg. He doesn't have health insurance, or the money to replace the cart. It seems like you're as much of a menace to this city and its citizens as ever. What do you have to say about that?"

The silence is deafening. Bruce rubs his hands together, opens his mouth and closes it again, clearly at a loss. He's not looking at any of his teammates, not asking for any help, not appearing to expect it, just floundering.

Tony is about to jump in, because that son of a bitch has it coming, when, from the other end of the table, a fist slams down on the table, spilling everyone's water cups and sending papers flying. The microphones on the table all wail simultaneously, the outlets on the walls emit sparks, and everyone who's wearing a body mic winces; it looks like they all received a shock.

"I will not allow you to disrespect my friend and teammate so, sir!" Thor booms out, looking as angry as Tony has ever seen him outside of battle. "The Hulk is a separate creature who is not with us today, so why do you address him as if he were? My friend Bruce has worked very hard to earn what I understand is a rare honor on your world, a mark of his wisdom and devotion to learning, and I wish you would respect that by calling him by his rightful title, Dr. Banner. To blame Dr. Banner for the Hulk's behavior is unfair. But I should also like to mention that the Hulk is a respected and valued member of this team, too. His strength is unsurpassed, even by my own, and without him we would surely not be victorious nearly as often as we are. I have long sensed that his contributions to this team and this realm are not appreciated as they should be, and it angers me greatly. I will no longer tolerate your ingratitude and rudeness toward either the good Dr. Banner or the Hulk. They both do great work for you, and you should thank them."

Thor glowers at the press; the room is totally silent. No one's even taking pictures right now; the flashbulbs have stopped entirely. It's just rows of open-mouthed journalists, and cameras pointing right at Thor, unwavering.

All the Avengers turn to stare at Thor just as hard as the press. This is... unprecedented. Thor is usually happiest Avenger; having a shitty childhood is kind of a prerequisite for membership, but Thor is the most balanced of all of them (because, Tony has thought uncharitably, it's easy to balance a scale that's empty). He's also not exactly one for speeches.

Tony recovers first, before even any of the press. He leans toward his mic and says, "What the big guy said. Dr. Banner is a formidably intelligent scientist whose work has increased our understanding of the world we live in tenfold, and is one of my very good friends. And the Hulk is the shit. That guy is awesome, and you're lucky you have him.

"I'd also like to add that the Maria Stark Foundation fully covers medical costs incurred by bystanders as a matter of routine practice. Anyone who was present for the fight and wasn't given information about that at the time can visit the Foundation's website for the necessary forms, or call our toll free number. I think we're done here, thanks, folks." 

The "thanks" is flat, because he's not really thanking those vultures for shit. He stands, and hustles the Avengers out, flapping his hands at them to get them to get up. It's not until they're all standing that the press recovers, but once they recover they're all shouting, asking the other Avengers what they think of the Hulk, and of Bruce, and shouting at Bruce to know what he thinks of all this. 

Quite a few of them are, at least, shouting "Dr. Banner!" to preface their questions. No Avengers answer, or even pause to indicate they're hearing the questions.

There's an elevator waiting, and the six of them pile in together (which is always tight; Thor and Steve are just ridiculously wide human beings). No one says anything for a minute, and the elevator faintly plays "Call Me Maybe."

"So," Bruce says, rubbing his hands together. "Uh, thanks."

Thor claps his shoulder so hard Bruce's knees buckle. "No need for that, friend. I only apologize for not saying what I felt sooner. You are a good man who has been done wrong by your press here. I have long felt this way."

"Yes," Steve says, "I feel the same way. I'm sorry too, Dr. Banner. I wanted to say something, though I doubt it would have had the same... impact coming from any of us as it did from Thor."

"Yeah," Clint says, "None of us can deliver a shock to everyone wearing a mic just by hitting things."

"Wish I could," Natasha says.

Thor turns to Tony. "And thank you, Tony, for joining me in defense of Dr. Banner. I know that you think highly of him, and I know that your words carry great weight in this realm, more than my own." Thor stands perfectly still, looking calmly at Tony, and Tony feels something that might be a little bit like embarrassment, if he could feel such a thing. Instead he just sings along, quietly, _Where you think you're going, baby?_

\-----

Fury wants Thor to apologize, but he refuses. "At least apologize for the _sparks_ ," Fury says, but Thor is adamant that his actions were completely justified. None of the Avengers disagree, so Fury drops it. 

Bruce is definitely embarrassed by what happened, Tony can tell. He throws himself into work even more than usual over the next couple days, and Tony finds out he's been asking JARVIS to tell him when the coast is clear before he goes to the kitchen.

So Tony lets him ask JARVIS if there's anyone in the kitchen, and JARVIS tells him no, because there isn't, but JARVIS alerts Tony immediately, so he rushes up from his workshop to pounce on Bruce. Because that's what friends do, right? They ambush you (as in, sneak up behind you and say, "Oh hey Bruce" just a liiiiiiiittle louder than necessary) while you're just trying to make a sandwich. And people say Tony doesn't play well with others.

Bruce jumps and says, " _Motherfucker_ \-- oh, hey Tony." The resignation in his voice means it's love.

"You've been avoiding me," Tony says, poking Bruce in the side. Poking Bruce in the side is like, their handshake now. It's their thing. "We haven't talked even once about the horrible new article Johnson published. I swear, I don't know what they're doing at Chicago these days, if they're letting him release crap like that."

"I haven't been avoiding you," Bruce says mildly, while not looking at Tony. He's a terrible liar, really. "And yeah, his research has some huge flaws."

"And you're pretending you're not embarrassed that that douchebag from the _Tribune_ called out the Hulk and then Thor and I rushed to your defence, but you totally _are_ embarrassed, and it's totally stupid, because we are a team, and that's what teammates do, we defend each other. From aliens and supervillains and paparazzi. I'm sure that if the press asked you a question about my personal life, you'd defend me from their scurrilous lies about how I'm a drunken slut."

Bruce looks balefully at him, and sighs. 

"I'm not embarrassed," he says finally. "I just don't want to talk about it."

Thor barrels into the kitchen at that moment, waving a magazine.

"Tony, I wish to speak to you!" Thor says, shoving the magazine at him. "These people have printed most damnable lies. While it concerns me not what they may say about me, their falsehoods about Jane upset me greatly."

The article is about Jane's recent lecture in Boston. There's a photo from the reception of Jane talking to another scientist, and Jane is laughing very hard at something he's saying, laying her hand on his arm. (Jane looks _great_ in the photo, Tony notices, wearing a dress Pepper insisted she buy for the speech. Tony likes a woman who can do complex equations in her head, and the fact that Jane built her own equipment herself just adds to it -- he once saw her take a soldering iron to a telescope that wasn't cooperating and he had to sit down.)

The headline reads, "Thor: Betrayed by scientist sweetie?" The article proceeds to trash Jane in a number of ways, from claiming she's cheating on Thor to calling her a "controversial" astronomer with "theories some regard as outlandish," calls her clothing "dowdy," and also manages to speculate on how she stays so thin. It's the ugliest story Tony has seen in a long time about someone who's only Avenger adjacent.

"Wow," Bruce says softly. "Has Jane seen this?"

"Yes," Thor says, glowering. "Darcy called me; Jane is apparently crying, but Darcy said I was not to come over right now, that it was 'girl time,' so I should wait.

"So I came to you, Tony. I know that you are able to manage these things, and I wish for your aid in dealing with this situation."

"JARVIS, call Pepper, tell her whenever she has time, to please go to Darcy's apartment," Tony says. 

"Of course, sir," JARVIS responds. "Miss Potts is finishing up a meeting right now, I believe, so she should be able to be there within the half hour."

Tony turns to Thor. "Pep's really your best bet. She handles this stuff all the time, for me and the company."

Thor smiles, and claps Tony on the shoulder (too hard _again_ , dammit). "Thank you, Tony. I knew that you would have the resources to deal with this. You are a well-regarded and well-connected man in this realm. I am lucky to have your friendship."

And damn if that doesn't surprise Tony. It's only partly true -- he is definitely well-connected, but "well-regarded" is a stretch. He's regarded, that's for sure, but "well" is probably not the right adverb. Thor is effusive with compliments generally, so that's not what surprises Tony. It's just that Thor usually errs on the side of making a true statement more epic ("You bested that sandwich mightily, friend Clint!") rather than completely misreading his teammates.

Thor looks down at the magazine in his hands and adds, frowning, "Darcy has explained this 'First Amendment' of yours to me, and in many ways I find it an admirable sentiment, meant to hold rulers accountable to their people, to allow truth to flourish and lies to wither and die. But it seems to me to have its downsides. I have noticed that Midgard places a high value on rights and a low value on responsibilities."

"That's a... good point," Bruce says, looking nearly as surprised as Tony feels. Steve has proven very adept at grasping the changes in the world in the last seventy years, the shifts in the way people think and interact with one another and what they expect, from each other and themselves and the government and the universe; Steve is a tactician who has studied the past like it's a battle -- but Thor, Thor just likes to hit things. If he'd cared to learn more about Earth than how to operate a toaster, Tony hadn't seen it so far.

(Later, Tony will learn from JARVIS that an anonymous tipster emailed the magazine, letting the editors know that the reporter bought coke for a source, repeatedly. He was fired, arrested, and has been unable to find a new job.)

\-----

Tony loves being rich. It's awesome. But it's never been the point. The point of being rich is to be able to do whatever the fuck you want, to buy good booze and nice cars and fancy shoes. Tony's interested in a lot of things besides being rich, and Howard, for all his flaws, impressed upon Tony a sense that being richer and smarter (and better) than everyone else meant you had a responsibility to help people. Even in his Merchant of Death days, when he hobnobbed with a lot of military brass and elected officials who really, really wanted for Tony to make bombs that would wipe small countries off the map and never pay taxes again, that wasn't his deal. Tony votes (...usually), and when he does it's generally not for the guys he does business with. 

Stark Industries works because it has good people, and to get good people to work for you, you have to make it worth their while. Not everyone can be rich enough to hire Pepper Potts to deal with their shit, so Tony implemented policies designed to make it so his employees could show up and do awesome work and not worry about whatever else. So Stark Industries has great health insurance, paid maternity and paternity leave, flex time for nearly all employees, really sweet cafeterias staffed by famous chefs, and lots of Nerf guns for when you need to blow off steam (plus an annual championship that pits the various departments against each other; Legal's won it every year since the rules forbid R&D from modifying the guns, a rule that Pepper absolutely insisted on, the killjoy). Pepper browbeat him into starting measures to make the company greener years ago, so at this point they're way ahead of the curve, on everything from building materials to composting leftovers from cafeteria lunches to going off the grid with arc reactor technology. Tony donates money to a really wide swath of causes (the last couple years his focus has been on charities that aid soldiers returning from Afghanistan and Iraq in managing PTSD and reintegrating into civilian life; those donations are private, though, and he doesn't put out press releases about them like he does for most).

Which is all by way of saying that when the chair of the Republican National Committee asks the Avengers to make an appearance at the national convention, Tony is offended, but not surprised.

The RNC chair actually asks everyone but Thor. All the Avengers are politically problematic, for various reasons, but Thor moreso, since he's an actual alien, and a foreign power in his own right.

The Congressman sits across from them in a conference room at SHIELD's New York office. He didn't want Thor to come to the meeting, but everyone else refused to meet, otherwise -- all the Avengers or none. They didn't know what the guy wanted -- they weren't even told who it was, other than a politician, but team solidarity at least goes as far as not having secret meetings, like this is junior high and you're gossiping about the person not there. (Tony didn't go to real junior high or whatever, but he's seen _Mean Girls_ , he knows how it is.)

"It's just," the guy says, carefully shuffling his papers and not making eye contact with anyone, "while America is grateful for your help in these recent... matters, many citizens have some... concerns. About your group, and your mission, and your loyalties. You all have... unusual life histories, that the average American can't really imagine. You're not... approachable."

"Good," Clint mutters. "I hate being approached."

"Sir," the Congressman says, sitting up a little straighter, because now that Clint's offended him he can make it atop his high horse, "this is a great honor. We are asking you to stand up for your country, to align yourself with the cause of liberty and freedom, to say that you use your great powers responsibly, on behalf of the American people. You are Americans, by birth or by choice, and I know you want to show the country that that means something to you. 

"But you, Mr. Odinson," and here he turns toward Thor, "are not American, you're not even human. You scare people. Your allegiances are suspect. Your brother kickstarted this whole mess we're in. You don't represent what we represent.

"Let's be honest. We are going to win this election. We are going to take the House, the Senate, and the White House. We can make life very difficult for you. You want to be on our good side."

And that is when Tony knows that Captain America is going to kick this guy's ass. Tony will too, but not on principle, not like Steve is going to. Tony's principle is that this guy offended Tony. Steve's principles are the truth, justice, and the American way. (It surprised Tony _not at all_ to learn that Superman is Steve's favorite comic book character.)

(Well, it's a little bit on principle for Tony. Because hey, Thor is a weirdo alien, it's true, but he's _their_ weirdo alien, and this guy representing the 13th district of Bumblefuck, Nowhere, doesn't get to talk to or about Thor that way. Tony's allowed, but this guy isn't.)

\-----

The Congressman flees the room (and the building, and apparently also New York City) pretty quickly after that. 

The team goes for tacos.

"I want to thank you, friends, for your defense of me," Thor says. They've been eating in silence for several minutes, everyone absorbed in their tacos and presumably also their thoughts. Tony's mostly just eating tacos. (And thinking about jetpacks.)

"Of course," Steve says. "What he said was outrageous. None of us has ever questioned your allegiance."

"I quite like this country," Thor says. "I am happy to make it my home, for now. I cannot say I will stay here forever -- I have duties that must be attended to in Asgard -- but I find this place to have much to enjoy, and celebrate. I have ever since I arrived, even though my arrival was not of my choosing."

Tony read Thor's file, read about Puente Antiguo and being tazed by Darcy (Darcy is _so great_ , seriously, she gives as good as she gets, it's a joy to snark at her and know that she can dish it right back out) and the battle with his brother. It sounds like Thor arrived on Earth as a huge brat who thoroughly deserved any punishment Darcy chose to mete out (and sure, Tony's one to talk, but still).

"What was it like," Bruce asks gently, "when you first arrived?"

Thor grabs a napkin and wipes his hands, studying them carefully. "I was very angry," he says slowly. "I felt I had been greatly wronged by my father, that he did not understand me. But during my time here, my time with Jane, I came to see the value in his way of things. I had been so angry, for so long, and my anger was destructive. I had a great power, and I used it irresponsibly, and caused great harm. Now I seek to make amends, to use my powers wisely, for I have come to care greatly about this realm and its inhabitants. You are a formidable people, capable of great things, and great kindness. I have much to learn from you."

Well, damn.

After a long moment of silence, Steve says, "Cheers to that," and Natasha holds up her glass, and they all clink them together. Tony shares in the... toast, or whatever it is, and thinks about the desert, about the landscape of New Mexico and Afghanistan, about sand and mountains and facing up to your worst mistakes.

\-----

That night, Thor suggests games again, and proposes they play Trivial Pursuit, even though Thor is (unsurprisingly) worse at trivia games than any other sort. Tony decides that board games won't really cut it today, so he takes them to his arcade. (Of course he has an arcade. Sometimes you need to play fifty-seven games of Ms. Pac-Man in a row and don't want to be bothered while you do it.) 

Clint absolutely destroys them at laser tag, as anyone could have guessed, but Thor proves himself the champion of air hockey (and Whack-a-Mole).

They're leaving the arcade, everyone gathering up their prizes (and prizes at Tony Stark's arcade are _really_ good -- the toy crane game is filled with Rolexes, instead of stuffed animals) and laughing, and for a week that's involved mutant slugs, a press conference gone awry, and the chair of the Republican National Committee, it's really been all right.

"Thank you, Tony, for arranging this!" Thor says. He's wearing a Dr. Seuss hat he won as a prize (the original prizes were still in the back storeroom, and Thor seemed to prefer those to Tony's choices, because he is a Philistine), and genuinely appears to think it looks good on him. He got Steve, Clint, and Bruce to wear them too, though Natasha and Tony absolutely refused. And even though Natasha and Tony are the coolest Avengers any day, not just a day when their competition are headed to a rave in 1997, the four of them do look like they're having fun looking like assholes.

Thor claps Tony on the back between his shoulder blades, and Tony can feel that Thor is holding himself in check, because Tony doesn't even need to try to keep from falling over.

"You're welcome, buddy," Tony says, and claps him on the back right back. Well, the lower back. Shut up.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and con crit are very welcome!
> 
> All board games mentioned are real, and totally recommended. Red-tailed Hawks are not particularly rare in North America generally, but they are very rare in New York City, and many are descended from one hawk, [Pale Male](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pale_Male).


End file.
